Children Are Dirty

Children are dirty. This is not a new discovery, just one I wish I had the solution to. Granted, you could give the child a bath, but that involves moderate effort on the part of the parent. So what to do? How can a parent clean a child with the least amount of effort?

You could teach the child to be catlike. They could lick themselves clean. This approach would work well for small to medium size children. However, as the age of the child increases, and flexibility decreases, this makes cleaning all areas more difficult. Plus, there are some parts of the body, you may not want the child cleaning, otherwise you'll be having 'the talk' a lot sooner than anticipated. So scratch the whole catlike method.

Perhaps you could patent a golf ball washer type device for children. The child is placed in the device, and then as the child is lowered, millions of bristles clean and buff the child. However, such a device may have a few design challenges. The device would have to accommodate for the fact that children grow, and change shape and size.

Finally (and perhaps the best idea ever) is the wipe onesie. Just as the name implies, it is a onsie made entirely of baby wipes. Such a garment uses the baby's natural movement to clean. The flailing arms and scooting on their belly are no longer just wasted motion. Even if the child spits up, you just have to wipe them with their own clothes. Or you could put the child on the floor and let him or her go to town. Check back in ten minutes and the child will be spotless (the same may not be said of your carpet).

Maybe I should just stick to giving baths.

I would like to thank the little one for inspiring such thoughts. Without her little fat rolls constantly collecting goo, I never would have been able to write this post.